Thursday, July 7, 2011

Honest Emotions

With Eric and I, what you see is what you get.  We do not try to pretend that we are anything other than what you see.  That being said I will be very honest and open about my feelings and emotions regarding our adoption.  For me to simply gloss over what I am feeling, to smile, and say, "All is well" would be an outright lie.

First, I want to share that I know God is in control.  I trust Him without a doubt.  I have peace and comfort in knowing that He is with Dima and watching over Him each and every moment of each and every day.  I know that Dima is totally bathed in prayer by so many of you and even so many more that I do not know.  I can trust that God has got everything all planned and knows when we will be with Dima which gives me so much hope.  Truly, deep down, I know that all will be well.

Second, I am a mother and I do have feelings.  There is the "momma bear" side of me that at times feels frantic inside not knowing how soon I can get to my son.  I try to turn that off, but it has not been successful.  God gave mothers instincts and emotions for a reason.  Neither Eric nor I have been sleeping much and we spend a good part of the night silently crying out to our Father on our son's behalf.  We pray for his health, his safety, and his happiness.  That does leave me feeling tired and weary during the day and I feel badly that my boys are having to deal with me not being my upbeat self.  They have been so considerate, however, and even tender with their momma knowing that her heart hurts.  The boys have also been praying in earnest for their brother knowing full well that prayer makes all the difference.

Third, this has probably been one of the most difficult seasons in motherhood for me thus far.  The first most difficult time was right after Nathan was born and we almost lost him.  The second was the loss of our fourth baby during that pregnancy.  But this is difficult in a most different way.  There is this little boy thousands of miles away that we have never met yet we love him so very much and would do just about anything to get to him.  The emotions of this adoption are unlike anything Eric and I have ever experienced before.  I simply cannot find the words to describe exactly how I feel at the moment.  I can say with conviction, however, that I would not change a thing.  This process is bringing our family closer to God and we are seeing just how amazing God truly is.  Through this adoption we are also seeing how much God loves not only Dima, but us, too.  I praise Him for this opportunity!

Fourth, the prayers and encouragement of our friends and family have been a HUGE help to us during this time.  Without prayer and encouragement Eric, the boys, and I would feel pretty lost and helpless.  It is so nice to get hugs from our friends at church and words of encouragement.  It also does this momma's heart good to see Dima's name on the prayer list in the church bulletin.  Receiving notes of encouragement here on this blog and in the mail have been a blessing, too.  Thank you all and know that we are grateful.

Fifth, we are grateful to have more than one picture of our son.  We have been blessed with a cache of pictures and even videos!  People who have met Dima have contacted us out of the blue to tell us how amazing Dima is and what a wonderful addition he will be to our family.  I cherish those words, pictures, and videos.  Not many adoptive parents get videos of their children before they meet, so I know that we have been blessed with a most wonderful gift.  I can honestly say that if I were put in a room full of children and Dima was one of them, I could pick out his laugh and voice out of the crowd with my eyes shut!  I KNOW my boy!  Eric and I are encouraged by seeing him laugh and smile- he knows how to find happiness even in the orphanage.  But I long for the day when he is here and knows the joys of playing with his brothers, swimming in our pool, playing with the dog, getting rocked to sleep by a mama that loves him so very much, wrestling with a papa that wants to raise him to be a mighty little man of God....  Oh sweet Dima you do not even know the half of what joy truly is!!!

Finally, we have no new news.  I am trying to find out some information on my own via Google and various contacts that I have overseas, but nothing is concrete.  I pray that come July 11th, which is the official start to the closure, we will learn some concrete information and maybe even get a timeframe as to when we can travel to Dima.  In the meantime I will continue to pray for my son and know just how blessed I truly am with the three boy I have now.  Sooner, rather than later, we will hear Dima's laugh in our home and we will continue to praise God for His faithfulness.

1 comment:

Joy for the Seasons said...

I love your honesty. I know our adoption stories are not the same, but it was hard for me to pour my heart out and then have people (even those that had adopted) just throw out a blanket "God has the perfect child for you, it will happen in His time, trust Him." Well I knew all that and believed it with my own heart. I just wanted people to let me have my emotions. So you go ahead and have your emotions and heart ache and anticipation and longing. None of it means you doubt God or think His plan is not best. Keep being honest--it helps you and it helps those that read your words! And I have to tell you--I love love love that you are getting to know your son through photos and videos. What a TREASURE!